Single Girl Struggles!

So, I have a secret that I haven’t yet shared on this blog. I tend to stick to the topics that interest me most like wellness, singing, yoga and traveling. I rarely, if ever, write about dating. It’s just not my niche. And wouldn’t someone have to actually be dating to write about it? I would hope so.

Since I left India to head back to the states, I made a deal with myself to be OPEN to the possibility of romantic relationships. That’s a big change for me. I tend to push those kind of entanglements aside for the next big travel adventure. But a shift happened and what was once at the bottom of my priority list is now slowly making its way towards the top. I’d really like to find someone to share this beautiful life with.

My friends that know me best are are surprised by my change in priorities. They don’t usually hear me talk about romantic aspirations but rather where in the world I want to fly off to next. But after a year long dating sabbatical and self imposed celibacy, I left India knowing the life of a monk is not for me. I want some romance!

In July of 2016, I was still going through my celibacy kick when I met a man in Costa Rica that I practically swooned over. That happens about ONCE a decade for me. It was instantaneous. I immediately wanted to know more about him. When he told me he was an environmentalist, my crush level skyrocketed to a whole new level. Oh, and he surfs. That is always a big plus in my book because the beach is my happy place no matter where I am in the world.

I instinctively gravitated to everything about him. He wasn’t like most of the men I meet back home in Orange County. He was different. He was special. I got the nerve to ask him for his number and said I would really like to meet up with him when I returned to the states and he readily agreed.

We met up in December of 2016 for our first date and it was magical. Every single moment just felt right and I was so comfortable being with him. I knew straight away that if this wasn’t the man meant for me then I sure would like to find someone a whole lot like him. He was kind, thoughtful, and easy to talk to. He cared about the same things I did and I loved looking at him. And, he likes to practice yoga which basically makes him a unicorn. As cheesy as it sounds, I felt butterflies in my stomach.

The only problem is he lives about four hours away but that didn’t seem too far considering I spend a lot of my time on the other side of the world. Since that amazing first date we haven’t managed to see each other again, though we text each other often. We’ve made so many tentative plans to see each other but it never happens. It’s frustrating. I’ve also tried to be open to dating other people but that didn’t work because my mind always wandered back to him. I suppose the heart wants what it wants.

While in Mexico this past week I was talking on the phone to my best friend about him, asking her things like “he’s just not into me, right?” and “but, if he isn’t into me then why does he bother to texting me?” As we were discussing the dilemma, another call came through my phone. I looked to see who was calling and it was HIM, my crush! I hurriedly got off the phone with my friend and took his call.

It took only a few seconds to realize he hadn’t even meant to call me and his phone accidentally dialed my number. Being the hippie chick I am, I immediately took this event as a sign from the universe and as an opportunity to express myself the way one can after just enough liquid courage. You see, we both had a few drinks that evening so it seemed like the perfect time to tell him all the things I’d been thinking but hadn’t had the nerve to say.

I quickly cut to the chase. The words came tumbling out. “So, are you just not that in to me? Do you just want to be friends?” I opened my heart up wide and basically offered it to him. He told me that while he was interested in me he was concerned that my wanderlust ways weren’t very conducive to exploring a relationship. I agreed with him. I pressed on and told him the reason I travel so much is because I am single and have the opportunities to do so, but if I was in a relationship I would happily cut back on my trips to explore a different kind of adventure, a romantic one.

We got off the phone promising to see each other as soon as we were able to. I went to bed feeling hopeful. Unfortunately after that phone call, the texts that followed were not encouraging. They seemed distant and surface level leaving me to wonder what could possibly be going through his mind. I really don’t have a clue.

In many ways, I am relationship challenged. While my ability to form deep bonds with my female friends is spot on, my attempts at dating are pretty sad. Besides the fact that I’m rarely in one place for long, I am scared of getting hurt and I know I am not alone in feeling this way.

It’s tough to be so transparent and let someone know exactly what you are feeling. And, for all the talents I do possess, I am sadly lacking in knowing what to do in this type of situation. Do I let the universe handle it and go with the flow (which is my go to strategy for other areas of my life) or do I once again make myself vulnerable and open to the possibility of “what if?” Knowing me, I will probably end up sending him a link to this article. Writing words is so much easier than actually speaking them. And, It seems an efficient way to lay one’s soul bare.

I’m okay with being rejected. It happens to everyone. What I am not okay with is being stuck in limbo. Being bold and direct is how I am wired. I need to communicate. I need to grow in every aspect of my life to feel fulfilled, including dating. I told my best friend that when I first met HIM it felt like swimming in the ocean, it was exciting and invigorating. Now I feel like I’m swimming in stagnant water. I crave movement and I want the tides to change. At this point, I am still trying to figure out a way to swim to better conditions.

I have no idea what is going to happen next or how this story will end. But at least I have enjoyed writing it. Even if whatever wave we were riding has already washed to shore, it’s been a worthwhile lesson to learn that YES, it is still possible to get butterflies long past one’s high school years. Hey, it’s all about the journey, right? And the butterflies. Those damn butterflies will get you every time, I don’t care how old you are.

Comments

  1. Thank you for your honestly and opeing up your feelings…it is a lesson whatever happens and you will have learned a little more than before…Have you ever been hypnotized to have different beliefs about yourself?
    keep on moving forward and enjoy

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