Darkness is only where there is a lack of light. I am no longer of afraid of either, and I know I am both. – Joanna Warwick
It has been a long while since my last post. I could say life got in the way, but really it was the butterflies. Yes, I am definitely going to blame it on those butterflies.
I was not expecting them. They came on swiftly. They took my breath away. I enjoyed them so much. At the same time, I was scared. How long would this feeling last? What will I feel like if they disappear? Despite my fears, I did my best to be open to the whole butterfly experience.
The butterflies lasted just shy of 2 months. It’s funny, my sister has a new rule. She doesn’t want to meet anyone I am dating for 3 months. I thought that was hilarious when she said it, but now I see the wisdom in it. Truth is, I don’t have a clue what the future holds which is totally frightening but also brilliant.
I want to write a little bit about this man who gave me butterflies. I certainly wasn’t looking for him. He sort of just appeared. It definitely took me by surprise. He is all of those things I feel are incredibly important. Number one, he is KIND. I think kindness is one of the traits I most value in all my relationships and all of the people that I meet. Someone who is kind deeply appeals to me. He is also sweet and affectionate. When I like someone, I do crave physical affection. I liked to be touched. I have always felt when you hug someone (anyone) there is a healing that goes on. Touch is sacred to me. He is also talented. As a musician myself, I deeply connected to being with someone who spoke that same secret language. Music is medicine. When you meet someone that shares that musical companionship it is mind blowing and soul opening. It is sweet magic. And last, we have chemistry. That kind of chemistry where you could lie in bed for hours just breathing in the scent of the other person. The feeling of a deep physical connection. It is breath taking. Bottom line, this man is special.
So, last weekend something happened. I’m not exactly sure what. But there was shift. One day we were in my kitchen burning an artichoke, laughing hysterically, and feeling deeply connected. Then, a couple days later it changed. There was a disconnect. I felt him pulling away. I felt it in his energy. In truth, I was emotionally pulling away myself in my own way. I was terrified but also electrified that our deep connection was too much too soon. Still, I was and am willing to work through it, work through my own past demons that sometimes cause red flags in my heart.
I like to communicate. I am not the type of person who enjoys stifling my emotions. So, I called him and asked him if we could talk about what we both were feeling. He can be shy. Very logical. It is not as easy for him to express what he feels. Still, he did his best to explain what he was experiencing. He is nervous because he is going to meet someone in my family this weekend at a party we are going to together. I totally get that. Just this past weekend, I was at his birthday party and was overwhelmed by the whole experience. His friends were awesome, amazing people, but there were so many questions like “what’s going on with you two?” and “how much do you like him?” I remember thinking “how do I answer questions I don’t have the answers to?” Yes, I feel a deep soul connection with him but I have no idea where this will go. I do my best to live in the present moment and try not to think too much of tomorrow. This is all so new that I really want to enjoy the “right now.”
After hearing his concerns, I assured him I too get nervous. I also told him if he would like to skip this upcoming party this weekend I am cool with that. I totally understand. We all move through life at our own pace. I want to honor his pace. I don’t want him to do anything he is not totally comfortable with, because if he isn’t comfortable I wont be. I’m not sure yet if he will attend the party. I will be good with whatever decision is made. I am sure whatever it is, it will be the right one.
The truth is, I don’t know where any of this is heading. I am not sure if those butterflies will return to me or they may just fly away. What I do know, is I have already gained so much from this short time I have had the pleasure to connect with this person on a deep, emotional level. I have been inspired. Inspired to write songs, in my journal, and even this blog post. I have learned a heart full of butterflies does exist. I learned valuable lessons and about myself and what I desire in any relationship I become involved in. Yes, no matter what happens, all those beautiful moments of connection will be cherished. And, I embrace the uncertainty of tomorrow.